26. July 2016

My Favorite Pokemon

My top 10 favorite Pokemon.

  1. Charizard
  2. Casper
  3. DayQuil
  4. Pictochat
  5. Slip ‘n Slide
  6. Dildo
  7. Dilbert
  8. Hufflepuff
  9. Gingivitis
  10. Mork from Mork & Mindy

More on Pokemon.

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30. November 2015

New Units Of Volume Measurement

New units of volume measurement… ideal for describing vomit volume.

  • Keurig K-Cup
  • Can of Cat Food
  • Hot Pocket Innards
  • Beer Stein
  • A small sedan’s glove box
  • KFC chicken bucket
  • Pants

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09. August 2015

I, From The Wild

My entire life, I have only ever had one thing that’s really made me happy. Nature.

This isn’t surprising, I am a man of the wild. A modern Enkidu. At a young age I was taken in by humanity and raised like one of their own. Despite my natural birth, I became domesticated.

Modern inventions never fascinated me much. I never really cared about TV or radio or foreign news or pop culture. I just love nature. Spending time walking through the woods, or at a park. That was my home, and despite all the comforts society promised me, it always will be my home. I’d rather be camping on the cold hard ground than sleeping on any number of box springs.

It was tough, learning the ways to become ‘modern’ and ‘civilized’ after spending my formative years alone in the wild.

Despite their best efforts and most talented wardrobe people, my inhumanity always showed through. I have too much hair and too large of a figure. Children always gawked at me when I passed on the street. I was trapped in an in-between life. Not a ‘civilized human’, but too far removed from my own natural world to return to it. I cried a lot.

Then I found something I could do in this in-between life. I became a representative of nature for the civilized. I tried to help them. I tried to show them the way. I taught about recycling and wildlife safety, conservation projects and more. No matter how they would gawk or laugh or cry when they saw me, I always smiled at them. I always smiled.

Thinking back, it’s remarkable I ever even tried to be kind. I should have realized the futility of kindness a long time ago.

What kind of life could a man like me lead? I ended up teaching safety and raising awareness for natural reserves. How foolish I was! ‘Nature Reserve’. Ha. The ‘civilized’ don’t respect nature, they can’t talk about it without implying ownership. They are diseased creatures, bred like a virus that spreads until it’s host is destroyed. One day, Planet earth will be their final conquest. Self-destruction is inevitable. The human race will destroy themselves and everything else with them. Perhaps another day, long after that one, nature will rule again.

Nevertheless, as a wild man working to raise awareness and educate about nature, I became a sort of symbol. A symbol of hope and safety. I worked for kind humans who wished to help nature. Granted, they still drove gas guzzling cars, bought items that were packaged in plastic and shipped across the world with burning oil, and only showed up to help on long weekends. They were ignorant fools. They always thought I would appreciate them for their “pro-nature” ways. I killed them first.

When people saw me, they believed that smart people were solving problems. They saw me and believed that forrest fires weren’t a threat - not that I’m around. They saw me and believed somebody else was “working on it”. They believed they didn’t have to do anything, didn’t have to change their destructive habits. Those stupid, stupid people. I realized that as long as they saw me, humans would think things are going to be okay. I was safety. I was security. I was an excuse for humans to return to their plastic water bottles and littering and still feel fine about themselves.

Shortly after realizing that, I left humans. I ran away, into the woods. They still used me as a symbol, despite the actual me being gone. I had to change my ways. I had to become something that did not comfort the humans. Something that did not relax them. Who gets kids to behave? Santa clause or the boogeyman? My whole life I was a Santa, but even the worst children get presents. Who ever really gets any coal? Not in “real life”. No more presents. No more gifts. No more Santa. No more comfort.

Humans have been systematically ripping apart ecosystems, destroying habitats, and killing animals. It’s time for this to stop.

Now I do the killing.

I first killed a man who flicked his cigarette out the window of his Lexus. I saw it, stomped out the cigarette. The terror turned his eyes from blue to grey, the color went into my soul. I was alive! I AM alive! After that first kill, I went on a rampage.

It’s not that crazy, really. To fight a forrest fire, it’s best to snuff it when it’s young. When it’s just embers. Well, I fight fires before they are embers. When they are still cigarettes and cigars brought to the woods - my woods - by humans. You see, I’m not a terrorist, despite what they say. I just prevent forrest fires.

I am the boogeyman that haunts the forests. I am the terror of the night. I am the reason to stay out of the woods.

I am Smokey the Bear, and I prevent forrest fires.

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